Tuesday, July 25, 2017
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Employment Jokes


True Meaning Behind Job Descriptions

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True Meaning Behind Job Descriptions

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" 
We have no time to train you.

 

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED" 
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" 
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY" 
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" 
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED" 
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON" 
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" 
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" 
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" 
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" 
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" 
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. 

 

Words of Wisdom

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Losing heart finding a job on the internet?

If you are finding the whole process of getting back to work a continuous uphill struggle then here are a few words of wisdom to help you on your way to success.

  • The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.
  • The path in front of you is rarely a straight line. It’s full of bumps ... Embrace the bumps in the road.
  • If you want to leave footprints in the sands of time, don’t drag your feet.

Always look on the bright side if things don't go your way, if one door closes another one opens but dont be in too much of a hurry to close it

 

An Irishman goes for an interview at the Jobcentre

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Irishman goes for an interview at the Jobcentre

An Irishman goes for an interview at the Jobcentre. The interviewer asks him to represent the number nine in a drawing.

The Irishman thinks for a minute or two and then draws three trees.

"tree.. tree... tree" dats noine.. says the Irishman

The interviewer is impressed. He asks the Irishman to represent the number 99.

The Irishman thinks for a few moments then scribbles on each of the trees in his original drawing.

"Dirty tree dirty tree and dirty tree.. dats nointy noine..." says the Irishman

The interviewer is even more impressed, but cannot resist. He asks the Irishman to represent the number 100.

The Irishman thinks for a moment then draws a small steaming pile next to each tree..

"Dirty tree and a turd... dirty tree and a turd.. dirty tree and a turd"...

Job for a Ned

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This youth wearing Nike trainers and a baseball cap, walked into his local jobcentre Plus office drinking a can of Special Brew. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "I'm looking for a job."

The advisor behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing!"

"We've just got a listing from a wealthy business man. He needs a chauffeur for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive them around in a stretched Limo. All meals are provided and you will also be required to escort the young ladies on their overseas trips. The total salary package is around £200,000 a year."

The youth said, "You're kidding me!"

The man behind the counter said, "Well you started it."

Jobs for Jesus

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Jobs for Jesus

After the Second Coming Jesus returns to Earth.
Within a week he is summoned to the JobCentre Plus Office and told to find a job.
He is asked to state previous work experience.
He replies that he has done a bit of fishing and some carpentry.
The Clerk checks the computer and finds two job vacancies .
Job one is £200.00 a week as a Carpenter in Birmingham .
The other is as a Fishermen in Galilee at £1,000.00 a week.
The clerk asks him which job he wants to apply for.
After much thought Jesus replies the Birmingham one.
The Clerk tells him again the difference in pay.

He asks him why he doesn't want the Galilee job.

He sighs and says.

" I worked in Galilee once and was hammered with tax (tacks).